Six Years without you!

There is bravery in loving, even after the pain. Even from afar. Even with nothing in return.

Hey Utkarsh,

It’s been really, really long when you and I sat with each other and spoke through written words. It’s been really long that I wrote to you, it’s been really long that I touched to you. This longing is happening for six years. Six Years. Six Years is a really long time. Six years mean 2,190 days, Six years mean 52,560 hours, and Six years mean 3,153,600 minutes, and Six years mean 189, 219, 600 seconds.

They say, “When you lose someone special, you gain a God”. They say, it right! You have been there by my side with each passing year, month, weeks, days, minutes and seconds. I know it, I feel it. You know, I could have never ever mustered up the courage to communicate with you through these words of mine. I combine 26 letters of the vocabulary every day and make a living out of it. Thank You, Utkarsh. Thank You, for leaving me with a power, I would have never found on my own.

I started penning down the breathings of my heart when you left for your humble abode six years ago. Six years mean a lot. There will be sixteen, sixty and perhaps many more years where you will not be there by my side. I, or for that matter anyone in this universe does have the power to bring you back physically in this world. But, I can make you live for eternity through these voices that pinch my ears and tell me, ‘Talk to Utkarsh’, he is listening. You do listen. I know. You have always lent an ear when I feel alone, vulnerable and lost.

There have been days when I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and beg for your existence. But, you’re adamant and so is the Almighty’s choice. My love, I just want to let you know today, that you are not missed. You are fondly cherished and I know that you will always be there with me, through thick and thin. I have stopped missing you. I have stopped calling out your name when a new face asks me about you.

Utkarsh, you left this world and me with a void that can never ever be filled. I still look back on the day, when I saw you for the first time just after I had missed a basketball goal at my school’s court. I remember you telling me, “You’re an amateur at playing basketball” and how I faked a laugh right brushing away the dust of the game. I still am, an amateur, haven’t graduated to a pro! My God, time is such a funny thing.

I have passed that school, passed a college, started with jobs and look where we are today! I know, you are somewhere resting in peace, where there is no commotion of the daily mundane routines. Where people live in peace, where there are no worries and only smiles. I wish, I could be there with you. I just wish, sometimes… Where, I won’t have to prove my existence with each passing day. Where there is no running no coming back.

I published a few books, some of them are silly, and some have them have a mention of you. I hope you are proud. I cross that street often where you and I used to meet. I see a faded image of you and me talking here, where I tell you how much life has changed after you. I have emerged stronger, but there is a constant heat in my stomach. I have met new people after you said goodbye, you’d be glad to meet some of them.

A few are funny girls and stupid boys exactly like the company you wanted me to have. I wish we could share a drink together, all of us. Can’t, right? I have fell down a lot many times after we last exchanged glances. I have met with a few physical injuries here and there, been rejected and two of the boys broke my heart too. I know, you would punch them on the face. Don’t worry, we won’t seek revenge, we won’t punch them on the face! Stop smiling, I am talking, here! My family has advanced on so many levels and so has my living.

There are alone nights when I wake up panting my breath, because I dream about you – that you’re alive and this is all a joke, the universe is playing with me. I get back to normalcy towards the dawn and carry on with another day. I go to that park at times, where I went six years ago when I heard the news of you! I have a special place in my heart for those stars that saw what I’ve been through. I long for a terrace as such, so that I could just feel your hand on my head.

Six years is a long time, Utkarsh. I do not cry anymore. I laugh at odd moments and I still never cease to believe in true love. Crucial moments in my life demand your thoughts, your guidance and support. I think about you and go with what my heart says. You’d be happy to know that I make you and everyone else around me proud. This is the least I can do.

I am furious with this law of nature, to separate a special one through death. They just go, they never breathe again, their heart never beats, and they sleep. Like, forever. Did you meet Dad at your residence? He might be somewhere around, look for him and say my ‘hey’! I don’t miss the both of you, I miss the happy times and laugh at the memories. Those memories are a treasure. Your passing away has made me what I never thought of becoming. Thank You, Utkarsh that’s all I have to say.

Saumya Kaushik

Just, don’t ever take that guardian angel away from me. A friend of mine, Shweta, helped me a lot to forget about you, right after I didn’t know how to even cross those narrow roads, she did her best. I can’t thank her enough. I so wish you two could meet.

Well, there are others too… One of them is exactly like me, one of them is a saviour, one of them is like a baby to me and one of them is a 4 am friend. There was a time when darkness was my friend and I couldn’t get much dumber by staying in that cocoon of mine. I had to open up. It was high time. I am happy, alive and kicking! 🙂 Just that I am getting old, while you are in some cradle enjoying new glances of your new parents and siblings. Do me a favour, return back in my life as a reader, please!

Will we ever meet again? I don’t know. Are you out there alive, somewhere? I don’t know. Six Years have changed a lot. Rest in Peace, my dear Utkarsh, I tell you every day.

16th June 2018

Saumya Kaushik


2 thoughts on “Six Years without you!

  1. Your words are straight from your heart. I know nothing can replace him but he must be proud to see you growing immensely personally and professionally. Stay strong girl! You rock.


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